i m coming back ...

Its almost two years that i didnt have time to write about me in this blog. Everytime i open my blog i have lots of things to write, but ended up writing something and i dont want to publish that, it clearly shows my confusion. 

Confusion starts .. where it starts, why i m so confused, why i m not clear, what blocks my thinking, who ll make my thoughts, i got answer for everything now. 

My mom passed away during 2014, i was totally upset and felt so guilt that i wasn't with her during her last breath. Then, i felt like i want to be with her for some more days and i prayed to god that i want my mom back, all my thinking and focus only saying "i want my mom back" . I lost my temper i lost my patience, i never know where i lost my smile, it takes me one and half year to get back my smiling face after seeing my daughter Sara's smile. 

I ensure that i shouldnt do that mistake again in my life so i spoke to my dad daily to make him feel confident and though he has some critical health issues, he spoke to me without showing his pains. Nobody in this world understands me more than my appa (father). The word "appa" i like it so much , from my childhood i love to call appa everytime, its not only a need to call him but i used to call more than 100 times in a day "appaaa"

I never knew appa can do all work to a daughter, till my second standard he helps me wash my hair weekly once and dry it and make sure i never get head lice often.He use to clean my bicycle, iron my uniform, wash my whiteshoes, prepare my favourite dish, and much more. I always fail in tamil exam i will only get 22 marks i cant get more than that nor less than that. But in all subjects i use to get above 70 and my teacher called my appa and told to send me to tuition. 

I m really scared of tuition to my tamil teacher because she use to scold me very badly if i dont write any words with kuril and nadil (that means short vowels and long vowels) properly. so much confusions in tamil as both my parents are working they wont find time to teach me, one day i cried to my appa that i want to pass atleast this tamil exam, and i cannot go tuition to tamil teacher, cried a lot, i know my appa likes tamil so much he use to write jokes, poems in tamil in his diary. 

My appa use to sit with me daily one hour at night after his work hours and teach me tamil and make me confident to wirte my tamil exams, first time in my exams in 3rd standard i got 82 marks in half yearly exam and from that day onwards i always use to get above 80 in tamil and my appa encouraged me to write tamil poems and stories. i use to write a lot in my diary and keep it safe. 

i always been a lazy girl at my home, my mom and dad get up at 5:30 am daily and my brother gets up by 7:00am , and i m laziest gets up by 8:00 am, my mom always scolds me for this.My appa never scolded me he sets alarm and keep beside me and i gets up switch off the alarm and sleep again, so he use to call me for a morning walk in race course (coimbatore) which i love to go, so he makes a habit of getting early. 

He always encourage me to study further, he never see me suffering coming in bus in peak hours, he takes his bike and come before half an hour to pick me. He likes me so much but i didnt understood till the time i got married. 

so much to say about my appa,its really hard to accept that he is also not with me now, i reached Bangalore on May 12th 2016 and my appa recognized me and my kids Sarvesh and Sara and spoke to me well before he was admitted in hospital in coimbatore. I never saw him with so much pain, he suffered with liver cancer, in that pain, he asked me "did you eat ma" i cant control my tears how my appa is like this and he also left me alone on may 24th 2016. 

Nobody is better than my appa in this world. I ll not get him back, because he never leaves me he is with me all the day talking to me and makes me to go in right path. My mom born again as my daughter and she ll live her happy life with me. 

I ll not lost anymore, i came back, i got my smile back that is my parents wish. They want me to live a happy life, and make my family happy and make others happy.